Life – Beauty – Crafts – Food – Fashion

Tag Archives: pain

This post was dictated by Katie and then written by Paul.

This is how I look on bad days like this

This is how I look on bad days like this

The last few days have been rather tough. I’ve had several days where I haven’t really been able to function. All I’ve really been doing is watching YouTube videos, sleeping and the odd bit of scrapbooking. I’m not really eating, not getting dressed and am only getting out of bed for the essentials. I’m aware that I’m not painting a very cheerful picture, but since I’m supposed to be raising awareness about my illness, I have to be honest about my experiences.

On a positive note, however,  I’ve had some encouraging messages about my blog through social media. On days like I’ve just described, when I feel so frustrated, it’s even more amazing to get messages like that. I love hearing about how much my writing is helping people in a similar position to me. Who wouldn’t?

While I can feel lonely, stuck in bed day after day, these kinds of messages can make me feel connected to the world and remind me that what I go through isn’t for nothing. I am thankful that people take the time to send me messages.

Love Katie x

You can find me on…

Don’t forget that you’ve only got just over a week to enter into my GIVEAWAY with Bulls On The Case. For all the information you need please click here to view the giveaway page. Remember, that you’ll have to subscribe to the blog and leave a comment to be entered. If you have any problems, just leave a comment or e-mail me at chronicallykatieblog@gmail.com


While I’ve been stuck in bed the past few months, I’ve spent a lot of time on the internet, reading blogs, watching YouTube and finding interesting people on Twitter. It’s struck me in the past week or so how many of the spoonies I “follow” online manage to achieve a lot, in spite of their illness. In some cases, they’ve used their illness to their advantage. As thoughts about this were swirling around my mind one night, I pondered how these women manage to do so much, when I seem to do so little. Was it because they weren’t as sick as me? Possibly, but that’s not the whole story. After much deliberation, I decided it was because they weren’t afraid to admit they had dreams and begin taking baby steps towards achieving them.

Failing yet again

When this academic year began, I had set my mind to focus on getting through my studies, it’s no surprise then that I fell into a depression when I got so sick again. Seeing weeks go by without my being able to study has been really difficult. I love learning, since I can remember, all I’ve wanted to do was go to university, and I love learning about politics. In a way, having tried so hard for so long to get through my degree only to keep “failing” at completing modules has just made me afraid to try anything else. I wouldn’t admit it out loud but my subconscious was saying, “why bother trying to do something you love? Your illness will only ruin it anyway.” I’ve been making plans but the majority of them have begun with the sentence, “when I’m well enough…”, which just isn’t happening.

Don’t misunderstand me, I haven’t given up on university, I will find a way to complete my degree, and I certainly haven’t given up the belief that I’ll get better, but I’m done waiting around for life to begin. That’s how Paul and I have felt, we’ve pushed ourselves to complete things, and life itself has been a real struggle for a long time, but when it comes to deepest desires, the things that mean the most to us, we’ve popped them on a shelf for “one day”. In a way, that’s allowing my illness to control us, the fear that we might only get one chance and that my illness will blow it for us, has prevented us from doing some things. There’s a certain amount of wisdom in that, but there’s been a lot of fear in that too.

Vintage pocket watch with open lid and chain on wooden surface

Making changes

This week we took the plunge and used some of our savings to book a holiday. The idea that we need to save for a rainy day has always been on our minds, and while that is generally a good principle to have, it’s made us afraid to spend any of our savings. Since we first became a couple and I got sick, we’ve been talking about going to Paris, and therefore, we’ve never wanted to spend our money on going anywhere else, because what if we can never save enough to go? Paris will still be there in future years when it is the right time for us to go, and I’m not going to believe that we’ll never get to go there if we go on holiday somewhere else. We know that we both need a holiday and we’d love to have a belated honeymoon. After all, lots of people generously gave us Euros at our wedding for that purpose. As we were chatting away about this, we both came to the realisation that although we’d love to go to a city and have an adventure, we’re both exhausted and what we really need is some time away somewhere hot, with a pool, and a beach. That’s what we did. We’ve booked a last minute holiday to Gran Canaria for a week. The fear that I felt when I clicked the little button to pay online was ridiculous, which made me all the more certain I was doing the right thing. It’s not like we’ve spent all of our savings on a crazy extravagant holiday that I obviously can’t manage. We booked something nice, albeit the cheapest place we could book, with disabled access. I don’t think I need to say any more to prove quite how unfounded my fears are.

Maspalomas, Gran Canaria

Having bitten the bullet on spending savings on a holiday, I’m determined to keep making progress on my dreams. I think putting all my eggs into the university basket was a mistake, and not one I’m going to repeat. What’s most important though is that I stop making my own contingency plans and start seeking God’s plan for my life. It might not be the most comfortable life, but I know it will be the most fulfilling life. Right now Paul and I are praying into our future and asking God where He wants us to step out in faith. Watch this space for more exciting adventures.

Love Katie x


I had a couple of “good” days last week so I took the opportunity to escape the confines of my bedroom and head to the shops with my little sisters, mother-in-law, and Paul (who hates shopping). It felt great to get out, especially as I managed to bag myself some beauty bargains. I have been wanting to do more beauty posts and videos both on here and over at my You Tube channel.

Beauty is more than skin deep

Since I’ve been really unwell, beauty for me has become something that has not only made me feel more beaut-iful (check the pun), but also allowed me to have a better relationship with my body. I know that sounds a little bit like the painkillers have really started to turn my brain to mush but allow me to explain. When you’re in a lot of pain and you constantly feel exhausted you begin to see your body as a prison, I know I’m not the only sick person who feels this way, but I’ve found that when I started experimenting with make up, bath bombs, lotions, etc, I began to feel happier in my skin again. The feminist side of me screams, ‘but isn’t that just the media telling you need to look a certain way?’ No, it’s different, a subtle difference I’ll admit, but there is a difference. Beauty products and routines allow me to feel human by making the most of my  body. I know that it’s not make up or body butter that makes me beautiful, but my skin does feel smooth and soft after my skin care routine. Very often, I’m in too much pain and too exhausted to do any kind of beauty routine and I’d choose being able to leave the house or spend time with people over doing my make up any day of the week, but when I can, I’ve come to love spending time looking after my body. Not to mention the fact that my body needs a lot more care than the average twenty-something year old because of my illness.

 

A new creation is born

These are thoughts that have been whirling around in my brain for sometime now but it’s only in the last couple of weeks that they’ve developed into something more. While I’ve been stuck in bed I’ve been watching a lot of make up tutorials, and beauty product reviews/hauls on You Tube, and finding new beauty blogs to read. It wasn’t long before it became glaringly obvious to me that there was a big gap amongst the huge wealth of material out there. I couldn’t find anything devoted to making sick people feel beautiful, and more importantly, I couldn’t find anything for someone with limited energy and high pain levels. With this revelation was birthed a new feature – Chronically Beautiful. I’m going to fill the gap so that anyone in a similar situation to me can have access to tutorials and reviews to fit their needs. I have loads of ideas but to give you a sneak peek, you can expect to see a big MUA make up review video soon, and posts like 5 minute make up routine, and daily skin care routine coming soon.

For now, I leave you with my first ever haul video:


 

As I’m new to this stuff, I really value feedback, so please leave any thoughts you have in the comments box below or on my You Tube channel.

Love Katie x

P.s. If you are or know of any beauty companies who would be interested in sponsoring this new venture then please contact me at the usual email address (chronicallykatieblog@gmail.com).

FASHION is a whole other ball game, but one that I intend to play so check back here soon. Don’t miss any updates by subscribing by e-mail in the box to the right of this post and to my You Tube channel.


Milgi collage 2

Last night I got to leave my bedroom to see an actual person. Okay I live with my husband and it hadn’t been that long since I left the house, but somehow not seeing my friends for weeks made me feel like I’d been in hibernation. Last night P and I  went to one of our favourite cafe/restaurant/bars, a place name Milgi and my tummy is still full. I am yet to find a single person who has been to Milgi and not loved it. The place is a treasure trove of art, creativity, and interior design genius. I always forget quite how much I love the place, and how happy being there makes me. I was annoyed with myself for forgetting to take my digital camera. I wish I could have taken some photos of my favourite parts of the place. Instead I was stuck with my phone camera, and since I am still using my iPhone 3GS I don’t have a flash. Oh well guess it means I’ll have to go back soon, eh?

Aside from the pretty interior and lovely atmosphere, Milgi has some of the best food I have ever tasted. The restaurant is completely vegetarian, something P and I would have turned our noses up a couple of years ago. I wouldn’t have imagined P loving bean burgers when we first met. The place has changed the way we look at vegetarian meals though. Last night I tucked into one of their legendary nut roasts, and for pudding cinnamon doughnuts with chocolate dipping sauce and cream. All made on the premises.

Enough about my love of food though and more about the person we had dinner with. I’ve mentioned M a couple of times on here, but probably not enough considering she is one of our best friends. She’s the sort of person who you always makes you laugh until your sides hurt. The night as a whole then was definitely worth braving the snow for (which Edith, my mobility scooter, handled wonderfully by the way) and the whole day it has taken me to recover. The night refreshed me a little so I feel a bit more motivated to get on with some university work, that’s a story for another post.

Love Katie x

 

Mobility Waterproof Scooter Storage Cover


Yesterday was an exhausting but wonderful day. I’ve said (or written) before on here that sometimes I do things that are far beyond what I know my body can manage, but I do them because it’s worth the pain and exhaustion during and after the event. Yesterday afternoon is a prime example. Back in the summer I purchased a voucher from Living Social for me and my best friend, R (remember her from this post?), to have a makeover and photo shoot at a studio in Cardiff.

R lives all the way in Kent so even though her birthday is in November, yesterday was the first opportunity we had to go to the studio. There was a point back in November when I thought I’d ballsed it up and that we wouldn’t be able to go at all. It was mid-Nanowrimo and I was feeling really sick, and basically I forgot to book before my voucher ran out. Thankfully, when Paul rang, the lady at Revolve was really understanding and let us book anyway. Phew.

Source: Google images

Source: Google images

As usual on an important day, my body decided to have a bad day so things didn’t go to plan yesterday. Despite resting the day before and going to bed at a reasonable time, I woke up yesterday morning feeling like I’d run three marathons the day before. I was utterly exhausted. We needed to be at the studio by 1pm and I wasn’t able to get out of bed until 12pm. Not a great start, but thanks to a higher than usual dose of painkillers and a cup of coffee that closely resembled oil, I was at least able to move quite quickly when I did get out of bed. Unfortunately, as I was on a huge high, I couldn’t think straight so I was still darting around the house like a mad thing when R arrived.

I’ve realised lately how important it is for me to eat regularly. I probably should have reached this conclusion much sooner, but it’s become apparent just how much worse I feel when I am late eating any of my three meals or skip one. I lose my appetite quite easily when I feel sick (hard to believe when you see the size of me I know) but now I make sure I eat at least a little something wholesome for breakfast and lunch each day. It wasn’t a good plan then for me to skip lunch yesterday because I didn’t have time to eat. It also meant that when we arrived home later after the photo shoot that I pigged out on high sugar and fat snacks like biscuits. Naughty naughty. This is a bad idea for anyone, but when your body puts on a stone at the sight of ice cream, it’s a really bad idea. I can add yesterday to the long list of examples which have taught me to plan ahead better so that even if I can’t think laterally Paul knows what I need and when.

Despite all of the things that went wrong, R and I arrived at the studio and, as it always does, everything worked out fine. Better than fine actually, a brilliant afternoon was had by all. I love make up but I don’t often have the energy to spend time doing it, so I love it when someone else is doing it for me. A professional make up artist choosing from their array of expensive make up is a great treat for me. Of course I love having my hair done too. I can’t lift my arms without being in a lot of pain so even if I knew how to style a beehive, I wouldn’t be able to, so any opportunity I get for someone to style my hair like that, I jump at the chance. The three times I’ve had a hairdresser style my hair into a beehive, whenever I’ve been asked how high to take it, without a second thought I answer, “as high as you can.”

Not only were all of the staff lovely and paid us compliments (never a bad thing, flattery goes a long way), the studio were really good at helping me manage my disability. Paul had told them beforehand I was disabled, but hadn’t gone into any details. The photographer picked up on what I could and couldn’t manage though by how easily I walked (using my stick and R’s arm) and made sure all the photos that included me didn’t contain any difficult poses. This was a huge improvement since the last time I was at the studio. When I went to the same studio with my sister two years before, the photographer had me sitting on the floor, doing poses that required balance, etc, even though I’d explained to her my illness. At the time I went along with it because I never want to say, “no that hurts too much.” This time, however, the only time I was standing in a photo was when I was leaning against a wall. The rest of the time I was sitting on some kind of prop or chair, but R had photos lying on the floor, and other types of poses I would have struggled with. The fact that I didn’t need to mention my illness the whole afternoon made the time so much more enjoyable. I’d never expect someone to be that aware of what I can and can’t manage, but it certainly is nice when it does happen.

Source: Google images

Source: Google images

The best bit of the afternoon though was seeing how gorgeous R looked. She is having a difficult time at the moment and definitely deserves some pampering. She is one of, if not the, most beautiful women I know. When she was having her photos taken, she actually reminded me of a model or a film star.

The hardest part was when it came to choosing our shots. R looked so wonderful in all of hers that I wanted to buy them all for her, of course monetarily, that would have meant not paying rent. I have to admit, I didn’t feel great about myself looking at the photos of me, but I wasn’t too upset since the afternoon was about giving R a great birthday treat and not about boosting my self esteem. In the end, we were able to come away with four lovely shots though, which we were both happy with. I can’t wait to put copies of the photos into frames so that I can re-live the memory of that afternoon many times over.

So, what do you think of the photos?

Small image

Small image 3

Author image

Small image 2

Love Katie x


 November has very much been an emotional and physical rollacoaster. I feel very lucky to have a fantastic husband and some great friends who were willing to patiently ride it with me.

Regular readers will know that I participated in National Novel Writing Month last month, I am sure you will all be pleased to hear that I completed my novel! I am very proud of my accomplishment, it makes me realise how much I can achieve with my writing with the right amount of dedication. I am very thankful to my friends who sent me messages of encouragement and to my husband who put my laptop in front of me even when I resisted.

It was very difficult for me to write 50,000 words in such a short space of time. ..

This is as far as I have got in writing an update blog post. I am seriously struggling with motivation at the moment. My body is exhausted and every time I do something I have to stay in bed for days on end to recover. That doesn’t exactly inspire me to go places or work hard.

I have so much to be thankful for, the last two weeks in particular have been jam packed with treats, presents and wonderful events, and yet I do not want to get out of bed. I should be on top of the world right now. I don’t know completely whether it’s my body or my depression. I certainly struggle when I do get out of bed, not just struggled, I have to really fight to get up but I’m not doing anything while I’m in bed either. My pain levels are really bad and I’m not sleeping much, but I don’t feel like I want to look after myself at all, I would happily hide away from the world. Perhaps there isn’t one problem, it’s most likely to be a combination of both depression and sickness. Usually I would fight these kinds of emotions and thoughts by throwing myself into social events and university work, but my physical illness is holding me back. What is clear is that I need to push past my physical problems if I want to stay on track with my university course.

Even though I barely began my ‘catch up’ post I wanted to put it up to show you where I am right now. A bit lost and struggling to work on anything, least of all my university work, which I am desperately behind with. I will continue to attempt to force myself out of this though, I know that God is close, and will bring me through this deep valley.

Love Katie x

 


Day one in the Davies (or should that be NaNoWriMo) household, Katie is writing… That was supposed to be said in the Big Brother voice, or at least that’s how it sounded in my head.

My novel has got off to a good start so far. I have managed to bang out 3809 words today and it’s only 7:50pm. This is due largely to the fact that my health is very, very bad today. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, all shall be revealed.

Today is one of those days where I feel like I have lived a week in twelve hours. My health has been up and down all days, some of the time, like now, I feel ok, my legs are aching so I’m stuck in bed, but I am able to write, even though I cannot concentrate on reading or studying. At some points of the day however, I have been desperate to fall asleep because I just felt so sick. I don’t really know how to explain the extreme exhaustion, pain and sickness, except to say that if my mum were near, I would cry like a baby for her to come cuddle me when I feel like that.

I have been alone almost completely all day so to ward off any depression and negative thought cycles, I have just kept my novel on my mind. I haven’t been well enough to write all of the time, but I have been thinking of Ally all day long, meaning that when I can write, I have so much in my mind my fingers can’t type fast enough.

When I woke up this morning, I felt so far away from being able to focus on anything, let alone begin a novel, but I had prepared for this with two age-old writer’s tools:

Morning pages

I have heard many names for this, but essentially I just wrote about something other than what I was working on. Some writers, as I did, write journals to wake up their creative mind. It’s like sport, you can try just running, but you’re more likely to do a lot better if you stretch your muscles and focus your mind on the task ahead.The first thing you write at the beginning of the day is likely to be the worst thing you write that day so it’s a good idea to not put that in your novel.

Music

Background noise, providing it is not too loud can help a writer get into the scene or into their character’s head. I am writing about an angry, hurt, and rejected woman so I flicked through my iPod to find all the music I used to listen to as a teenager when I was feeling that way. This immediately puts me in the right place to think and feel the way Ally does. Certain songs remind us of certain feelings, it’s a good idea to harness this for my writing. On the other hand, if I listen to Ben Howard, I am going to feel calm and happy. I haven’t used it yet, but I also downloaded an the Ambiance app, which has a huge library of different sounds. I am planning to use these for certain scenes. So for example, if my character is taking a country walk, I can create a playlist of various wildlife sounds to help my mind picture what is happening.

 

One of the things I want to do this month is to use my intense novel writing to try out different writing techniques. Today I used journaling to warm up, perhaps I’ll stick with that for about a week before moving on to something different. I am doing the same with where I write. I was able to get out of the house to go to the library to write for an hour today, which was great because I have never tried writing there before. It went well, I was free from distractions and comfy on the new sofas. I’m not sure I’ll be able to get to the library every day for a week but I’ll try going there to write a few times, before moving on to a new venue. Obviously I tried writing in my bed too, but that doesn’t count as an experiment since I always write here (yup I’m there right now). By the end of this month I should have a good idea about my writing habits- where and how I work best.

Have you got any writing techniques or venues you use or have heard of that I could try out?

Love Katie x

P.s. My new blogging buddy Amelia is NaNoWriMo rebel because she is using this month to continue with her memoir about life with cerebral palsy.She is posting the whole thing on her blog day-by-day. I read the first installment today and felt positive I had to share it with you, it is a fantastic first draft. Check it out here.

You can find out more about my novel  and keep up to date with my progress on my NaNoWriMo page.


Well you’ve probably been wondering where the heck my blog post about my wedding is. The reason there has been a lack of posts on here is that I had a REALLY bad couple of days. Just as I was getting ready to write a post about the progress I’ve made since I began writing this blog, there was a another whack of a “bad patch”.

During these few days I was listening to a preach online from my Church about personal progress. Chris Cooke (senior leader at Freedom Church) talked about the importance of momentum, to keep taking each little step because it is so much harder to begin again once you’ve stopped. I am climbing the hill of recovery into full health and I can’t stop because of a few days.
Yesterday was the first day of lectures and I felt so ill that I just wanted to stay in bed. Those horrid thoughts of just staying in bed forever so that I don’t have to go through the pain and exhaustion came, but I didn’t want to give up my progress. I reminded myself of why I am trying to do my degree, why Paul has given so much so that I can get to university and learn about politics, and I forced myself to go.
I don’t want anyone to misread this as me saying that staying in bed is a weak option and that if everyone who suffered from CFS and Fibromyalgia just pushed themselves they could get out of bed. The trick to recovery from chronic illnesses is to know when to give in and when to push.  I literally didn’t get out of bed, except to go to the toilet on Saturday and Sunday. Those days I needed to stay in bed and rest, my body was in a really bad state and needed a lot of sleep. Even on Monday I still did sleep and rest a lot, but I pushed my body to leave the house for two hours. That’s a smart thing to do when you can feel that your body is ready to begin the fight.
I don’t know whether any of this makes sense to someone who hasn’t suffered from these illnesses, but what I’m trying to say is that I’m in a new phase. I gave my body about four months of rest and now it is ready to begin the steady (and sometimes steep) incline back to health. My daddy was talking to me about this last week (you might remember that my dad too has a lot of health problems) and he reminded me that I won’t glide back into health easily but that I’ll have to fight for it. It’s going to hurt some days, and I’m going to have set backs, but I know that eventually my days where I “win” like yesterday will begin to increase and increase, and the “bad” days will lessen.

I have good reason for this solid conviction of recovery. I have had a lot of prayer and have had two very strong prophecies of health in my future. I know that the people who gave me these prophecies wouldn’t pass on these words from God unless they had real conviction of their truth. Something so personal and sensitive isn’t taken lightly. It can be hard to believe for something like that when you’re in a valley of pain, but faith is seeing beyond your current circumstance and I do believe I will be healed. I don’t think it will be a miraculous healing (although I’m not ruling it out), I think that as I grow into the woman (and Paul grows into the man) God intends me to be, so too will my health be released for the exciting adventure God has for me and my husband.
Cue Eye of the Tiger….

Love Katie x

p.s. If you want the preach I mentioned (which is called The Great Locomotive: Hurtling Along the Edge of Chaos), you listen to it as a podcast here.


Image source: whatsfab.ca

Today has been a much better day. For one thing I’ve managed to not only get out of bed but also get dressed. P needed to go to the train station today so mum and I thought we’d use the opportunity of being in town to get some supplies for crafts which need to be done for the wedding, and also to get me a new outfit for my hen party.

 After much deliberation about whether precious saving funds should be used to buy a new dress, we (me and P) decided that since I would only get one hen party (despite what the statistics might say), that I should feel really special. And, as mum pointed out, it can be a hen party/honeymoon outfit so that made me feel like I was a little more justified in buying something. I didn’t go crazy though, mummy took me to the fashionable boutique of Tesco and I spent a whole £7 on a new dress. I did splash out on a new jacket too which boosted the total cost up to almost £30.

 Going shopping for my hen party/honeymoon outfit has made me even more excited about this weekend. I just hope that going out for a couple of hours today won’t result in being too tired to enjoy the weekend. No, you haven’t lost a couple of days, you are correct in thinking that I begin conserving energy for a big weekend three days before the event. I did so before the family wedding on the weekend too, and it still took me four days to recover.

 I really just felt so horrendous yesterday. The pain and exhaustion made me just want to sleep away the whole day. The problem was the pain was just strong enough (even with painkillers) to keep me from sleeping most of the time. I can’t articulate how much I don’t want to be that sick after my hen weekend. I feel terrible writing these things because I know there are so many spoonies out there who would love to be in my position. It sounds ungrateful to be saying these things, it’s hardly terrible that I’m going to Bath for Saturday/Sunday. Even more so, I know I am incredibly lucky to have a mum and sister who took the time to learn how to look after me so that I could go places without Paul, and even that I can get out of my house to go anywhere, let alone on a mini-holiday.

 I don’t count these blessings lightly, I am grateful for them. When I am confronted by the painful accusations and remarks of unbelievers and have days as bad as yesterday, I become even more acutely aware of just how much worse life could be. I think my mummy is so wonderful for patiently taking me shopping today. It’s no easy feat, it means giving me so much attention, and not much time to shop for yourself. I am so privileged.

 What are you thankful for today?

Love Katie x


I don’t know about you, but I always find it difficult to imagine what a person’s day actually includes. For a bit of a difference, I thought I’d do a visual post showing the sort of things I usually do in the morning. I hope my pictures and writing are clear enough, I’m not the best artist, and I don’t have a scanner at the moment. Let me know if there’s any problems and I’ll do my best to resolve them. I’d love to know whether you, my readers, would enjoy this sort of post occasionally. 

Love Katie x

 

 

Have you enjoyed reading this blog post? Please consider voting for ‘Chronic Katie’ in the Cosmo Lifestyle Blog Awards 2012. For more info click here.



%d bloggers like this: